Just Do It (without Regret)!

     I have often heard and repeated the saying, "You never regret the things you do, only the things you don't."  I believe it with my whole heart.

     But every belief is tested - usually more than once.

     For me, this happened a few years ago

But What if I DON'T Feel Thankful?

     Thanksgiving marks the beginning of the Holiday Season that can be devastatingly hard for those who are struggling with loss. And Thanksgiving itself might be the worst holiday of all of them.  Not only are you required to be happy, but also to be thankful. If you have lost an animal recently, those around you may expect you to be especially thankful for the time you shared with your beloved companion.

     But here's the truth: it is perfectly normal to have a hard time mustering thankfulness when you are caring for an ill animal or mourning.

     The expectation that you must be thankful too often causes people to feel shame and guilt.

The Post-Holiday Blues: Why do I feel SO Sad?

     For many, the holidays - and the flurry of activities that go with them - are over.  While the holidays can be a very tough time for those who are grieving and in mourning, for others the activity surrounding them provides a welcome distraction.  Some feel relief when this period is over, while others feel sadness and loneliness even more acutely.  If you live in the North, as we do, the holidays come at the beginning of winter and when the merriment is over we look ahead at a long, cold, dark period before us.

     Winter is a period when nature sleeps.  Animals and plants alike slow down, hibernate, and rest.  Yet in the quiet and silence, there is an imperceptible incubation and nurturing of what will eventually spring forth.

     The festivities, lights, stresses, obligations and activities of the holidays distract us for a short time from what is naturally a pensive and quiet time.

     It is no surprise, then that this can be a time when we experience our sorrow deeply.  When our heart aches to escape the solitude and quiet.  Where we wish we could avoid our thoughts and memories.  And where our heart and soul literally ache with longing.

Allowing Our Animals to Teach Us the Value of Vulnerabiliy

     Dr. Brene Brown, a researcher professor at the University of Houston Graduate School of Social Work, has spent her career researching what makes us joyful and fulfilled - and what doesn't.  After listening to her TEDx talk about the power of vulnerability, I was inspired and knew I couldn't miss her session at the Massachusetts Conference for Women last week -- and she didn't disappoint.

     One of my key take-away points from both her TEDx talk and meeting her last week was this: Vulnerability matters; it is the only way to experience true joy.  Our ability to be vulnerable and tolerate vulnerability opens our heart to true joy, gives creativity life, and grants us courage.

     Sharing our lives with animals is a huge lesson in vulnerability.  We know from the outset that we will almost certainly outlive them.  That they will become sick, old, challenged and it will be us who must care for them and advocate for their welfare making excruciatingly difficult choices along the way.

Ditch the Plan

Is a nap in your plan?

     I recently spoke with a young man in the process of getting his MBA.  One of the things he had to do as part of his course work was not only to make a 5 year plan, but also a plan for his entire life.  Seriously.

     There are so many things caring for a being at the end of life and hospice work teach us, but one of them is this: ditch the plan and here's why.

Surviving the Decision to Euthanize

     In our work, we talk many, many people who have made the decision to euthanize their companion animal in the past.  Because we are a hospice, people wonder where we "stand" on euthanasia and often assume we oppose it.  We routinely hear people say things such as:

"There was nothing else we could do."

"My vet told me it was time."

"She was in pain."

"He was so old."

"I just couldn't care for her anymore."

"He was going to die soon anyway; I didn't want him to suffer."

"I wish there had been another option."

"That was the hardest day of my life.  It was awful.  I will never forget it."

"I could never go through that again; I won't get another animal."

     Sometimes the person is confident and secure in their decision.  But often the conversation is about justification.  The person believes we, like everyone else, is questioning and judging the decision - and judging them for making it.

     But even more important, the words are laced with justification to the person him or herself.  There is guilt, doubt, regret.  There is a need for reassurance that the decision was correct, good, and honorable because the person still isn't sure if it was.  The person may have mentally convinced him or herself, but something nags in the gut or heart.

     Is this you?  If you are being well and truly honest with yourself, do you still have doubt, regret and guilt?  Do you wonder, "what if"?

Living, Suffering, Surviving and the Mystery of Dying

     I used to believe that dying was a linear, predictable process.  I used to believe that things get bad, then worse, then end.  Like many, I also used to dread death and think it was extraordinarily cruel that we are able to euthanize our animals, but have no ability to terminate the suffering of our human loved ones.

      And then I spent time - a lot of time - with death and dying, up close and personal, day in and day out.  I saw illness, disease and health ebb and flow; progress, plateau, improve and fade again.  I watched loved ones struggle, fight and beg for mercy and an end that did not come easily or readily.  My heart shattered and my mind disintegrated with helplessness and confusion.  My innate drive to help, to fix things, to make it all better, to nurture was infuriatingly stymied. 

      It was only after being with many who were dying that I have come to appreciate that the mystery of dying also brings beauty. 

Too Selfish to Euthanize?

     The second most common thing I hear when people talk about end of life and euthanasia is that we must be vigilant against acting out of selfish reasons when making decisions about euthanasia.  You have heard it, "Really, Sarah, you are just keeping this poor animal alive because you can't bear to let go.  Stop being so selfish." 

     It is almost always heard in two situations:

5 Ways to Feed Your Soul

     What feeds your soul?  What fills your life with light, energy and joy?  Everyone needs something that recharges them - from the inside out.  For some that is exercise, for others meditation, yoga, music, church, prayer, dance, working in the garden, running, being in nature, swimming, floating.  It's simply not enough to check the boxes, whether there are many things going right in your life or not. 


     At New England Pet Hospice, we deal with many sad, difficult, heart breaking moments every day.  How do we keep from burning out?  How do we stay enthusiastic and passionate about animal hospice?  We are committed to recharging and feeding our inner life, our soul, our self.

     If you don't know what works for you, we encourage you to explore.  See what feels good.  There isn't a formula that works for everyone and it isn't something we can instruct you how to do.  But we can offer some ideas and suggestions for things that work for us and we have seen help others:

Teaching Moments

    Your companion animal is probably your child's best friend.  Whether they grew up together or one came first, there is no doubt of the special love between child and animal.  When the animal is ill or dying, it is tempting to keep the child away or sugarcoat the experience, but in doing so we miss a very big opportunity to teach our children about caring for those in need, healthy grieving, and recovering from a loss.

     We may be so overwhelmed with our own struggles, the physical demands of caring for an ill pet, the mental strain of making tough decisions and being well-informed, or our own grief that it is hard to think about this as a Teaching Moment for our children.

     Keep in mind that most things that happen as an animal is terminally ill or dying are not an emergency.  Yes, there is on-going often intensive care and there can be crisis moments, but most of the day to day progression of the illness or age happens slowly, or slow enough, for us to take a break and catch our breath.  Make sure you do this at least once a day.

8 Ideas for Linking Objects and Why They Help

     When you lose a companion animal, the loss you feel is very deep and very real.  You may be surprised by the depth of your feelings and unsure what to do.  Many well-intentioned people will tell you to clean house of anything that reminds you of your pet or immediately go out and get a replacement animal.

     However, the only way to to get past the pain is to fully and honestly grieve the loss of your friend.  It is hard work and doesn't happen overnight.  It's OK to feel sad, it's OK to cry, and it's OK to want to have something to hold on to.

      A linking object is something that reminds you of your pet. 

The Do's and Don'ts When Your Friend's Pet is Ill or Dying

     It can be difficult to know what to say or do when you hear that someone has an ill or dying companion animal at home.  Your own feelings, experiences and judgments mix with those of your friend and loved one.  Here are some ideas to consider:

DO’s:

After the Holidays

     The holidays can be an especially trying time if you have an unwell animal or have suffered a recent loss.  Sometimes getting through them can seem like a relief, and other times it can be a real let down when the glitz and busyness of the holidays are over and you are left with "regular" life.

     Make sure you make time for you.  Caring for your animal can be exhausting and tireless work.  When you combine that with the hustle and bustle of the holiday season, you can be left feeling completely drained.  See if a family member, friend, or neighbor can help out for a couple of hours so you can get a break.  Give yourself permission to take some time away.

     This time between the holiday rush and the New Year can be a very powerful time of reflection, contemplation and preparing for the new year.  It is a great time to make a memory book, scrap book, plan a memorial garden or play with art.  Even if you have never painted before, you may be surprised how good it feels to get some brushes and paint, then put your emotions and feelings on canvas.  For some people, the feeling of clay in their fingers can be hugely satisfying.  For others, collaging or scrap booking may be inspiring.  Try something new, express yourself.  Don't think about the finished product, just how it feels to play in a new medium.  See if you can lose yourself in creative expression.  You don't have to show the finished product to anyone - you don't even have to keep it if you don't like it.  It is about the process, not the product.

     Remember - winter is a time of hibernation and germination.  It is a season of quiet.  This is often a time of great internal work and growth.  Spend quiet time with your animals who are alive and with the memory of your animals who have passed.  See what they might have to teach you if you are quiet and listen.