Surviving the Decision to Euthanize

     In our work, we talk many, many people who have made the decision to euthanize their companion animal in the past.  Because we are a hospice, people wonder where we "stand" on euthanasia and often assume we oppose it.  We routinely hear people say things such as:

"There was nothing else we could do."

"My vet told me it was time."

"She was in pain."

"He was so old."

"I just couldn't care for her anymore."

"He was going to die soon anyway; I didn't want him to suffer."

"I wish there had been another option."

"That was the hardest day of my life.  It was awful.  I will never forget it."

"I could never go through that again; I won't get another animal."

     Sometimes the person is confident and secure in their decision.  But often the conversation is about justification.  The person believes we, like everyone else, is questioning and judging the decision - and judging them for making it.

     But even more important, the words are laced with justification to the person him or herself.  There is guilt, doubt, regret.  There is a need for reassurance that the decision was correct, good, and honorable because the person still isn't sure if it was.  The person may have mentally convinced him or herself, but something nags in the gut or heart.

     Is this you?  If you are being well and truly honest with yourself, do you still have doubt, regret and guilt?  Do you wonder, "what if"?



     It doesn't matter how long ago the decision was made, these feelings can be destructive and painful for a very long time.  Now is the time to face them, come to terms, and prevent them from interfering with your life and future relationships with animals.

     The very best answer to, "Where does New England Pet Hospice stand on euthanasia?" is: we don't stand; we move.  We move as the situation evolves, as the animal progresses, as the family's needs require.

     Every animal, every person, every family is unique and different.  There is no ONE right answer for every condition, for every ailment, for every situation.  While we support those who wish a natural death at home and know that doing so can be very fulfilling, we also know that it is not possible in every situation, for every animal or for every person.  The decision of when and whether to euthanize your animal is a uniquely personal one. 

     If you are living with regret, doubt or guilt, now is the time to work through it.  You don't have to let it lurk in your heart forever.  You don't have to "learn to live with it".  You don't have to continue to feel this way. 

      =>> If your feelings are overwhelming to you, interfere with your daily activities, make you want to stay in bed for days at a time, cause you to drown them out with alcohol, drugs, food, gambling, or other risky or dangerous behavior, seek professional assistance from a counselor, social worker, psychologist or clergy member NOW.  Today.  This very moment.  There is help available and you need to get it right away before you hurt yourself or someone else.  You are a good and worthy person.  You deserve to be happy.

     If your grief, regret, doubt or guilt does not rise to that level, but still nags at you, here are some things you can do to work through them:

     1.  Talk.  Talk to someone who is empathetic, has time and will listen.  This could be a friend, family member, counselor, clergy member.  If you are in our service area (currently, Massachusetts), call us and we would be happy to meet with you.  Avoid co-workers (particularly while you are working).  Avoid those with their own bias or needs.  Talk until there are no more words. It is an incredible release.

     2.  Write a letter to your animal.  Write how you really feel.  However it comes out.  No one else will ever read it; this is just for you.  Don't edit, don't ponder, don't question.  Just write.  Ask for forgiveness if you feel you need it.  Express your love and gratitude for the time you had together.  Make sure you have time, space and privacy.  When you are done, choose what you want to do with the letter.  See what feels right to you.  Maybe you would like to bury it with or near your animal.  Burn it and send the words to the universe.  Attach it to a latex balloon and release it to the heavens (use only latex which shatters at high altitudes into safe articles and no string or ribbon which could harm birds or the environment).  Put it in a glass bottle and release it to the ocean.  Fashion it into a boat and float it down a river or stream.  Just don't hold on to it.  Letting it go is important, even (especially) when that is hard to do.

     3.  Explore the emotions.  Find a quiet time and place and invite these emotions in.  They are demanding your attention; so give it to them.  What do you want from me?  Why do I feel this way?  Give them colors, shapes, sounds, voices.  Explore why they exist and go to the depths of the emotion.  What is at the root?  Why does it eat you up?  Then thank them for the wisdom they have imparted and let them go.

     4.  Have a good cry or rage or scream (or all of the above).  When we bottle emotions up and don't express them, they grow.  They don't dissipate.  The work of burying emotions, covering them up, hiding from them is exhausting.  Let the emotion out.  Climb a hill or mountain and scream (it's wonderful!).  Crank the music up in your house or car and sing.  Put on the sappiest movie you can find and cry your heart out.  Punch a pillow.  Get on your bed and throw a good, old fashioned, toddler themed temper tantrum: kick and pound and scream and cry.

     The most important thing you can do is forgive yourself.  You may struggle with your decision.  You may doubt it.  You may regret it.  But know that you made the best decision you could at the time, with love in your heart, based on the situation at hand and the information and resources available to you.  It doesn't matter whether you would have done things differently if you could go back.  It doesn't matter if others doubted you.  It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.

     What matters is what you do next.  Can you open your home and your heart to another animal?  Can you trust that when the time comes you will make the right decision for this new animal?

     Whether you believe it or not, I know you made the best decision you could and that it came from a place of deep love.  I know you are a good person and that you gave everything you could to your animal.  I don't judge you, second guess your decision or question your motives.  I trust you and the choice you made.

     How do I know?  How can I trust?  Because you wouldn't be here, reading and thinking about this lengthy post if all of those things weren't true.